Diaries Of A Damaged Boy.

And I know that but I can’t let you go. And I don’t understand why.

I have never been in an actual relationship with a guy. But I do know how to treat a guy like a prince he deserves to be treated as.

I will text or call him every morning to tell him I hope he has a good day. I will never make him feel unwanted or unappreciated. I will make sure to see him whenever he wants me to and still give him his space when he wants it. I will spoil him rotten with kisses, hugs and gifts for no apparent reason. I don’t need a reason to show someone how much they mean to me. I will always be his shoulder to cry on and his laughter when he is down. I will give give him all of me because that’s what he deserves. I will show him that not everyone is the same, that there are still some good guys out there. I will never go to bed without telling him goodnight and telling him how much I love him. I will always tell him why he is the man of my dreams, but most importantly I will always be myself around him and never make him change a single thing about himself. I want someone to give me the chance to do all of this for them. But I don’t think this is ever gonna happen though.

So, things have been different for me since I started Paul Mitchell beauty school. I don’t cut, make myself sick or feel useless. Its given my life meaning again, I just like making people feel beautiful, as everyone should. It puts a smile on my face. Things have gone wrong though. For instance, I girl i started school with committed suicide in January. It was extremely hard to deal with, but its been getting easier. I’ve made two great friends named Tracey and Maureen and I really care about them sosososo much! They make me look forward to going to school. All of this hard work, and yes Beauty school is hard work don’t be fooled, has helped me grow as an individual. It’s made me realize that I’m meant to do this and despite whatever anyone says, i’m not giving up on my dream, for anyone. I’ve gained a lot of confidence and respect for myself which is a plus! It hasn’t been an easy ride, and I’ve gained friends and lost them in the past few months because they were jerks but i’m not even upset about it because I don’t deserve that and im aware of that now. I’m doing great now and im almost done with school but I’m leave right now because I hurt my arm but hey, i’m just thinking of it as a mini vacation haha, okay I’m gonna stop rambling now because you all get the idea.

I love you all and remember, Stay strong because it WILL get better <3

I’ve always had poor body image, just like most teenagers in America do. But My experience with my body has been horrible. I’ve scared it for the past 8 years and damaged it by thinking that being bulimic is good way to lose weight, and clearly it wasn’t since all that does is make you deathly sick.

I look around at all my friends, and I wanna look like them. I hate absolutely everything about how I look. I find nothing attractive about me what so ever. I hate my weight too. I;m almost 200 pounds and I feel so much heavier then I am. All of my friends are relatively skinny or in shape and me, well lets say I feel like I should be swimming at seaworld.

I wish I could lose weight not even to be skinny, but just to feel overall better about myself, but everytime I try, I fail. It sucks, I just wish I wasn’t me. I even look super fat in pictures, hence why I hate posting pictures of myself.

aghhhh I just wish I could be skinnier godfuckingdamnit, and alot better looking.

It sucks that I feel that way. It sucks that I feel like i have no one lately. I just wanna cry and crawl into a hole. My life is slowly reverting back into what it used to be. Im sad all the time, except now I hide it because I know no one will understand. I feel so alone all the time I hate it.

No one loves me and I feel like everyday I should die since all I do it take up space for people who actually have use on this planet unlike myself.

Okay going to just ball my eyes out now since i’m a depressed fuck.

bye. 

Lately, I feel like none of my friends like me. They rarely talk to me and if they do its for like 5 minutes. I feel like I annoy them now or something, idk. That’s always my biggest fear and I feel like it’s coming true, again. I try to be an awesome friend to the best of my abilities in hope that maybe, just maybe they will stick around. I feel really lonely a lot now, which is bad considering my monophobia kicks in after a while and then BAM ! Panic attacks. I’ve been trying to avoid that because in the event of my panic attacks, it’s like my mind goes blank and I wind up cutting without my own knowledge, until I come to again I guess if that’s what you would like to say.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen, If i’m gonna lose my friends like I always do, and then after i’m done somewhat healing, make new friends and then go through it all again. I’m kinda afraid to trust anyone at this point because I don’t wanna confide in people that I don’t even know if they want me in their life anymore or whatever. I’m very confused and have no clue what to do. I’m always paranoid, scared and very emotional. They probably don’t even wanna deal with me at this point, i probably burden them, since i’ve been called that and much worse in the past.

I’m just sad, the saddest i’ve been in a while so i’m probably gonna be like this for a few days, and it sucks.

Just for once, even one day, only 24 hours, I wish I could be happy. But apparently I can’t because something always goes wrong, and at this point, i’m blaming myself for everything.

I need sleep though so goodnight everyone

I don’t know why I just do. It makes me feel to know that i’m not like everyone else going around fucking anything that moves. Also i’m in no rush to lose my virginity anytime soon.

If you think about it i’m one of the few guys on this earth that actually feel this way.

That just goes to show that everyone who says “All guys are the same” you’re mistaking because there’s me <3.

I trust no one.

I’m not gonna let myself have friends.

I’m gonna be a loner.

I’M DONE.

I mean i’m always there to help everyone out but I feel like all I am is their therapist.

I am much more then that, and I want to feel like i’m friends with people, not just another form of Dr. Phil or some shit. 

I refuse to be used anymore. Don’t talk to me if you are only gonna use me because I have dealt with that shit for too long, and i’m done with that.

I’m turning into a heartless person, not because I want to, but because people are leaving me no other option.

Yesterday I saw my ex best friend for the first time in over a month. When I saw him I had a panic attack and left hysterical crying. I looked like such an ass but I couldn’t help it. I still want him in my life, sooooooo badly. I wanna work things out but all he cares about is his rep and what kids will think about him since I’m bi; he doesn’t want people to think he is gay, and I understand to an extent, but he doesn’t realize what he has done to me. All I wanna do now is just cry because he doesn’t give a fuck about me and all I do is still care about him and hope that he comes back to me. I want my best friend back, I want my little brother back /:

And then you left.
Thanks a lot.

Seriously think about it, Gay, bisexual, and lesbian people are still people, who just happen to be attracted to the same sex. I don’t see any difference in a man and women, women and women, man and man being together whatsoever. I know since i’m bisexual i have to think these things but at the same time, a lot of my straight friends agree with this as well.

Gay and lesbian people don’t discriminate or make fun of you for being straight, so why do it to them ? Everyone homophobic person’s argument is completely invalid and should shut their fucking mouth about shit they know nothing about since they are so fucking ignorant and close minded and won’t even acknowledge that people who aren’t straight are still people.

People need to learn to grow up and realize that some people are gay, bisexual, lesbian, whatever your sexual orientation is and that ITS OKAY. 

 /end rant.

If you have the same immature mentality forever, you’re never going to go anywhere in life.

Makes me very happy.

I feel very important and useful.

I like that very much ^-^

She hates me now though so that’s probably not going to happen /:

I should care about what happens to me and what I do, but I don’t.
It sucks.

When you are 100 % wrong in this situation and wrong about everything you said.

Its unfuckingbelievable.